You know, I thought it was too easy. And it appears I was right. Today was painful.
My wife, whom I truly love with all my heart, told me something today. She didn't say it to be hurtful. It was actually more in the way of a confession. What it was isn't important. Suffice it to say it showed me exactly how much all of this has affected her.
So, I felt like a complete shit. I felt horrible. I felt like I had let her down, I felt like I had betrayed her, I felt like I was the lowest form of life on the planet.
So I went home at lunch and told her that dressing and all wasn't worth hurting her. It wasn't worth putting her through enough pain that she ... well it was a lot of pain.
So I told her I would stop. And I meant it. I promised I would just stop.
I didn't want to hurt her. I also didn't want to feel like shit. I didn't want to hate myself any more. And I didn't want her to hate me.
Let me be clear here. She NEVER said she hated me. She never said she felt I was horrible, or betrayed her or anything like that. That was all me.
More accurately, it was all my father. All over again.
I was so determined that I wasn't going to let him poison me again the way he did before. I was so damned determined to be me.
And all the feelings were still there. Just waiting for the right combination of words, circumstances, whatever to flood out from the fucking abscess they've been rotting in for 30 fucking years.
So here I am.
We talked, we cried. We talked more.
She's made an appointment with her therapist. She wants her to help her learn to deal with this. She wants to be better. For me. Because she loves me.
I'm thinking I need to do the same thing. There's a lady I saw years ago, back when things between us got really bad. It wasn't entirely things between us, there was a third party involved (not someone I was in a relationship with), that made things immeasurably worse with their lies, their selfishness, and other problems that I'm not going into here.
We both got help and things got better.
Looks like it's time for that again.
Wish me luck!
That is heartrending. I am so sorry for both of you that you have to do this, that something that brings you (Megan) such happiness is causing you (both of you) such pain.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I need to say one thing - do not stop because of this. Now that you have properly discovered your feminine self, it would be wrong and, potentially more damaging, to deny her again. And to do so would always be a source of - not irritation, but I can't think of the right word - awkwardness and niggling. Every time you saw a cute skirt or an item of pretty lingerie, you would - as well as thinking 'Joan would look good in that' also have a feeling of 'I would like to wear that' and know that you can't. And that will hurt.
I know that it isn't because of Joan that you promised her you would stop, that it is because of your father, and you don't want her to feel any pain at all, but ultimately, that pain might be a good thing. If it prompts her to look into these feelings, to discover why your crossdressing has caused them to surface now and to tackle them. Whether or not it ultimately ends with her accepting your dressing, it can only make her happier and stronger.
Also, yes, I agree entirely. You need to go and speak to a therapist. The abuse that your father inflicted on you has lingered over all these years and it has meant that you have all this conflict inside you that is hurting you and has been doing so for a very long time. Your bravery in dressing and telling Abby and Joan is outstanding and I am in absolute awe of you - I have never had anywhere near these sorts of problems with my dressing (for which I am utterly thankful and aware of how lucky I am) - and you owe it to yourself to heal yourself.
I think the most important thing that the two of you need to do (and I am totally aware that I am saying something that does not need saying) is keep communicating. Only by being honest can you offer each other the support you need. Be honest. Be loving. Be there for one another.
And, if you need to talk, you know that I will be here for you. Despite the time difference.
Ellen.
xxx