You know, I thought it was too easy. And it appears I was right. Today was painful.
My wife, whom I truly love with all my heart, told me something today. She didn't say it to be hurtful. It was actually more in the way of a confession. What it was isn't important. Suffice it to say it showed me exactly how much all of this has affected her.
So, I felt like a complete shit. I felt horrible. I felt like I had let her down, I felt like I had betrayed her, I felt like I was the lowest form of life on the planet.
So I went home at lunch and told her that dressing and all wasn't worth hurting her. It wasn't worth putting her through enough pain that she ... well it was a lot of pain.
So I told her I would stop. And I meant it. I promised I would just stop.
I didn't want to hurt her. I also didn't want to feel like shit. I didn't want to hate myself any more. And I didn't want her to hate me.
Let me be clear here. She NEVER said she hated me. She never said she felt I was horrible, or betrayed her or anything like that. That was all me.
More accurately, it was all my father. All over again.
I was so determined that I wasn't going to let him poison me again the way he did before. I was so damned determined to be me.
And all the feelings were still there. Just waiting for the right combination of words, circumstances, whatever to flood out from the fucking abscess they've been rotting in for 30 fucking years.
So here I am.
We talked, we cried. We talked more.
She's made an appointment with her therapist. She wants her to help her learn to deal with this. She wants to be better. For me. Because she loves me.
I'm thinking I need to do the same thing. There's a lady I saw years ago, back when things between us got really bad. It wasn't entirely things between us, there was a third party involved (not someone I was in a relationship with), that made things immeasurably worse with their lies, their selfishness, and other problems that I'm not going into here.
We both got help and things got better.
Looks like it's time for that again.
Wish me luck!